Attachments and Agendas

I just finished teaching the South Medicine wheel class a couple weekends ago, and in the integration portion for this class, we talk about practicing non-attachment. This over the years has become an interesting thing to look at due to the fact that we all have all kinds of attachments.

Once upon a time – I was pretty good at non-attachment in my younger days of the roaring twenties – but once I had my son, a husband, a career I loved, non-attachment wasn’t always so easy. Not having an agenda with those who I love, wanting things to be a certain way for them, and most importantly and often subconsciously for me, became increasingly more challenging. 

And isn’t this how it works? Often our agendas for outcome are rooted in the health and benefit of others whom we love and care about.  But the agenda part of this equation often stems from a place rooted in how to help us feel a certain way. Often, we are looking for safety, acceptance and belonging, and in that quest, we want them to feel or act a certain way so that their actions make us feel a certain way – like safe, accepted, and loved. 

Let’s explore what happens when we operate from agenda and attachment. We begin to operate from a place of lack or fear on a very subconscious level. We start to manipulate people and situations, sometimes very overtly, but most of the time this happens from a shadow place deep in the subconscious. We are trying to make it a certain way that we think, feel, or need it to be so that we feel more comfortable, stable, safe, etc. Fill in the blank of what kind of emotional comfort you are looking for.

When we have attachment to something, we can become limited or rigid in our way of seeing or experiencing something. We can restrict what is possible becasue we are attached to the way we think it should look or be. What can happen here is that we limit or  narrow the possibilities of how something can show up or how an interaction or relationship can be, because we are stuck on the one way we are attached to it being. This makes it very hard for the Universe to deliver to us a version that is aligned with the highest expression of the desired outcome or situation.

Now this can be tricky when dealing with another person, because in this case there are two different ends of free will. The other must also be willing to let go of attachment or to shift enough to let life be different. When we have an attachment to how things might go, or could go, or the higher expression of what we can see is possible, and somebody is choosing a very different road, it can be extremely hard to let go of our attachment to how we want it to be for them.  Especially with our family, loved ones, kids and spouses. In some cases, it can feel nearly impossible – because we love them so much.

So how do we work with or navigate life without an agenda or attachments? We first have to start with admitting that we have both attachments and agendas. We must realize that of course we are attached! It would be weird if we weren’t in some cases.

When it comes to the people we care most about, we will always have an attachment, but that doesn’t mean that we get to manipulate the situation. It doesn’t mean that we should jump into a rescuer mode and try to fix every little thing that isn’t working out. It doesn’t mean that we sacrifice our own health and well-being to try and make something different for another. This only lands us in the triangle of disempowerment, where the players are moving around occupying the roles of victim, rescuer, and bully. 

Instead, we want to start with knowing we are attached and in that attachment, we are wanting to act in a certain way to feel a certain way. To say to ourselves, yeah, of course I am attached. Then the question is are we willing to look at what it is we are actually attached to. It is through this honesty with self, that we can begin to tease out what is ours and what is other. If we are dealing with another person, then we can begin to let go and let them live into their choices. Now of course depending on who, what, and age, we draw certain lines and boundaries, but overall, can we let go? NOT EASY! But it is not ours to control either.

When we find ourselves attached to an idea or an image of something, we can make a choice to let the energy drain from the grip.  This starts with looking at what it is we are attached to. Is it how we are perceived, all the hard work and effort, what it cost us, and declaring it will be a cold day in hell before we walk away? All of this can keep us locked up in a dynamic or energy of something that is begging to shift. Does it need to go away completely? Not necessarily, but the grip needs to loosen to allow it to shift and for you to pivot within the dynamic so there can be a realigned engagement. 

So how do we do this? We need to see where it lives in our body.  If you tune into something you have attachment or agenda with, you will feel it somewhere in your body. Once you have located that, you can begin to bring the energy of love and safety to that part of your body to help the density release. Use your breath, inhale through the nose, and exhale through your mouth, but also thinking about exhaling through that part of your body that you feel the tension, stress, density in. Do this until you feel the energy move or let go. Then work with feeling the qualities you wish to experience. For example, if you want more spontaneity, love or peace, let yourself feel those qualities in relationship to that you are detaching from. 

This can take some time and practice, but be patient with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, and have grace for the situation or people you find yourself engaged with. Like anything, the more we practice, the easier it becomes. But this is not always easy, it can be very hard and even painful when it forces us to confront ourselves and our own behavior. 

It is amazing what starts to show up when we drop the agenda and allow ourselves to be with what is. In that space, anything is possible because we are fluid with the universe and creation.